A Story some of you can relate to

Well, I have given this a lot of thought after 3 years and 2 months of being alone.
I have come to the conclusion that I am just about as lonely as I can get.
I would complain about it …but who am I to complain to? The family doesn't say much, friends say very little.
I feel like I'm trapped in a vacuum with no hope of escape.
Having lived 50+ years I learned a lot about human nature. The one thing that no one else understands is that I am fully aware of how people feel about me.
They can give me all the lip service they want, but I have seen the signs Sometimes so bright they blind me! I spent my entire life trying to do what was asked of me with little success. I managed to find a woman who loved me and together we made a wonderful Child who grew up to become her own person. I am proud of her, and I love her very much. 30+ years of my life was spent exceedingly happy. Brenda was more than a wife, Lover, soulmate, She was the best thing to ever happen to me without her I would not have my Katie

As for the rest of my life setbacks and issues have hamstrung my capabilities as a human being. Apparently, honesty is not prized among human beings.
So since I have become something of a Pariah in my own family and my own world, Several months have been spent mulling this over in my head again and again. Part of a human being's psyche requires that they are not alone. Human beings are herd animals we tend to live together in large groups (cities & towns)
We like to do things together as a species.

I have been cut off from this contact I suppose it's my own fault for being naive enough to think that if I did something to make me happy I could live my life with fewer incidents. I began a change of Gender at 53 and have been exceedingly happy with all the results but one.

This one result has made me question everything I am. It amazes me though how wrong I was about my friends and family, and how easily I was swayed by the lip service they provided me once they found out about my change. You see, as a pragmatist, I value honesty as it goes along with the simplest way from point A to point B. Apparently, this is not the case with anyone else I know. Most people tell you what they think you want to hear. As a result of this, I spend almost every waking moment not at work completely and utterly alone. I only have to answer my phone when Billy calls me. No one else tries to reach me either by text or by phone. ( I do not include my daughter in this as she is a busy mother) You may say I am exaggerating the importance of the instance. I will give you an example, When my wife was alive the phone rang several times per day with friends and family.
My wife Passed away and for about 3 months there was some concern and the occasional phone call. Since I began HRT and began to notify friends and family I noticed the frequency of phone calls and messages began to drop significantly… now that it has been ZERO, for the last approximately 2 years I have my answer about how folks feel about me now.

So the pragmatist in me has worked out the math involved. the equation was simple and the answer was the expected one, I saw the writing on the wall about 6 months after the family reunion. Since there is little or no interest in my existence at this point, and almost no contact with the outside world except for work, and they still treat me as they always have fellow employees do not wish to speak to me as they know I am sad about my wife dying and they are all married and do not want to contemplate mortality. It is completely understandable. The owners are trapped in their own little world of greed and success.
Family and friends have all but cut off contact with me. As I said the answer was simple and quite frankly expected. There is no longer any reason for me to continue to try to be a part of this world. A solitary existence is not what I would have chosen; But, I am no longer considered part of the herd therefore I see no reason to continue with this current charade. This does not mean I will stop HRT it essentially means I will stop everything. If there is no point to life without friends and family, then I have to take a hard look at my situation and realize quite pragmatically that there is not sufficient reason to continue to struggle to stay alive. Some would say OH NO you need mental help! I am afraid I will have to disagree with that sentiment. It is my family and friends who need mental help. Acceptance of the differences of each of your fellow human beings is one of the most important things in life you can learn.

After writing all of this down so I could assess my feelings I realize something else this entire exercise, was a waste of time as nothing I have said will make a difference. Long ago it was established by someone whose name I will not mention that I was essentially a worthless piece of shit just like my father, and nothing I have said here today would be read with anything but contempt for the author. So in closing, I would like to say that It is a sad day for me, family always meant a lot to me. In the last 3 years, however; I have learned my worth in the family. Now I have to rediscover my own worth and learn to ignore those who refuse to accept others' differences. Another thing I have learned in the last 3 years, most people do not care how you live so long as you live the way they approve of. I think there is a certain amount of hypocrisy that goes along with that. I feel sorry for them I am beautiful inside and out. I learned to be that way from my wife. Perhaps someday they will come around, but; I cannot wait until they do. I must live in the meantime. I wonder if any of them realize just how much time is left on the clock.

I was hoping this helps someone else it helped me to write it down, maybe you can help your self the same way.
Good luck to you! Your life is important no matter how others perceive you.

Micayla Singleton